Offshore Guysssssss

I think few of our team members can never forget this call from our HR/ Finance manager (Who belongs to the family of Thadaka, Poothana, with qualities like changing her words according to the circumstances, unbearable “Chorinja” behavior, consider everybody as nuts and wears a pseudo out fit of a divine lady) at Onshore. She calls in the shop floor; Offshore Guys (we feel like we are all second graded creatures) and this calling becomes a regular one and we used to it. One day one of our team members fell ill and he was taking rest at the “IT house”, when he was browsing through the channels he stumbled on Playboy Sexteria channel , there was a message on the screen “Press B on your remote to purchase this channel”, he pressed “B”, he thought, buy pressing B they will ask to enter credit cards number and in between they will show some trailers and he can see it, but unfortunately the message showed in the screen “Thank you for purchasing Sexteria enjoy!!!!” He realized but not willing to belief he purchase the channel show???. We came to know when the bill comes it comes with the details and we were sure it will list the Sexteria purchase, and the “Ammyi” will call us and abuse us regarding this. And when ever we hear this call “Offshore Guysssss”, we dreamed about loosing our dignity in the public. Fortunately she never called us to ask this, but man we couldn’t forget the team members face when he hears the call “Offshore Guysss”

Who is this “Ji”

Herez the latest update to the “Velli.com”, in office employees call others with a “Ji” added to their names XXbinji, XXilji etc. One of the senior developer was executing a code and checking his work, but unfortunately the code didn’t work he said “pandaram Moonji”, the very same moment the our lady member asked “ Who is that person “ (Athu Aaraa ?). Fortunately the developer didn’t faint

Anybody know what this SMS means ?.

Herez the latest update from the new lady member in the team. She is very famous for the “Best Vellis” in the office. One of her team members marriage is fixed and she sent am SMS to another team member “Mr. X’s marriage fixed, most of the defects in the application is fixed”, do you have any idea what she mean, Is that mean the bugs in the application are because his marriage was not fixed and after fixing his marriage all the bugs were fixed or he wrote code with out any bugs ?. If so the management should beware, recruit developers only those who married or their marriage fixed to avoid bugs in the application.

Beware When You Use Certain Words

The hot update from US from our US correspondent .The guys in onshore went out on a holiday and they visited and Army Base near New Jersey (One of the members is an Ex Army man). While they are in the camp one of the Team member used his well known phrase “ Nammukku Blast Cheythu Kalayam “, My be because of the American influence he said it in englisj “ Ok we will blast today”, his bad luck, some army men overheard the conversation and with in minutes he taken into custody, they striped him searched for the weapons and explosives and they detained him for a day, thank god they allow him to wear his underwear. Finally they convinced this was just one of his usual saying and they released him. So guys be careful when you comment.

Swapnalokathe Pancharakuttan

Recently three guys were sent to Onshore (USA) from cochin on a short visit for training and to participate in the discussions with the client. One of the guys who is well known for this “PANCHARA” sent to the client side for the technical assistance and his assignment is for 2 months. At the client side lots of “Aunties” working and he lost his control (there is an old saying “kannine kayam kanuckaruthu” ), as a dedicated guy he is there before time and he never let loose a chance to have a discussion or chat with them. One fine day he came back to the apartment in high spirits and he was so happy, like he doesn’t know what to do. He started beating and abusing the fellow roommates in his height of joy. Finally he revealed the reason for that. He said HE ABSORBED BY THE CLIENT, SEEING HIS DEDICATION AND EFFICIANCY, his fellow Aunty at the client side told him, client will process new visa for him, they will give him an apartment near clients office to avoid his long journey. That POTTAN believed all this and he is dreaming about a Hi Fi life and company. Paavam Pancharakuttan, manushyanu vivaramillathayal inganeyundo ????????????????????.

Guys please prey for him to get back his consciousness.

A Team is assigned to Investigate “Fever Scam”

Our correspondent from cochin reports a new team is assigned to investigate the secrets behind one team members Fever. The story starts when he came back from US, everybody was supposed to join back on Tuesday (two days after landing). He passed the message to the office is suffering from fever (His wife was on leave for one week – the plan laid at US itself). Any way he came back and joined. The same incident repeated recently for Onam holidays. The team is supposed to work on weekends too, it made him upset because he was planning a long vacation with his wife but by some mystery he fell ill on Friday evening and he left home on Friday (at that time we reported he have severe body pain and fever). After the holidays he joined again with out any problem. The administration got a news from some trusted sources that all the team members who have leaves left are planning to fell ill. So management is decided to dig for the fever scam. As per the latest news the newly formed investigation team started the preliminary work for the investigation.

Office varthakal is Back

Hi guys, officevarthakal is back in life after few months.

Oru Sabarimala Story

Recently two guys went to sabarimala one of the guys is well known for his smoking and bad health and the other is a guy with no bad habits ( the habits he have are cannot describe here). If we compare both of them it will be like the tyres of cycle and tractor, so you got an idea right ?. so the small guy said, I am week and not have good health so you will have to stay back when you climb uphill and wait for me, the other guy said sure. They started climb the hill from pamba . the so called week guy thought other guy passed him and will be waiting for him on the top of the hill, in between he turned back and then he realized the other guys is tired flat and sitting down. So one thing he realized SIZE doen’t matter, Stamina venam macha Stamina

History Unveiling

NJ Correspondent unveiled an untold story about a person who came to onshore from offshore before. The story is like this once he and his friend went to a restaurant for their dinner . Both of them had the dinner and they are about to go home they realized the shocking news the restaurant won’t take credit card they accept only cash and they don’t have cash with them.

The conversation was like this

Our Man : He gave the card to the waiter
Waiter : Sorry sir we won’t accept cards, we take only cash
Our Man : Do you take Watch ( Both of them had watches)

Nobody knows what happened next, any way both of them reached home from the restaurant. Still it is a misery how they made it ?????????. Got any idea ??????

Flood on the First Floor

Our Staff Correspondent from cochin reported a new phenomena happening on the first floor of an IT major. One fine day employees stared notice water spilled on the floor here and there and the amount of water increased day by day and now it is flooding. Water having a peculiar nature also it is slippery, people are very conscious on walk to keep them away from a fracture. People on the ground floor living fear because any time they can be washed out from the building to the road. Finally the crew found the reason it was because of “OLIPPEERU”

Salt Mango Tree

Herez the new incident reported from NJ on the bachelors (forced too) apartment. Two major chefs were happily cooked with an apprentice and one fine day one more apprentice joined the company, he was good for the first two three days and then both the apprentices showed their kerala spirit they made a union and started abusing the cooks, saying we can cook anything with out you, you just sit and eat what we are cooking ( the new apprentice was in full steam and he was leading the show ), both cooks kept quite because they know “Chemmeen chadiyal muttolam, pinnem chadiyal chattiyolam”. The very next morning the new apprentice made “Uppuma” (salt mango tree). It was the real Uppuma we ever had, it was “Ma” made of “Uppu”. Poor guys (the apprentices) took the uppuma on the plate and started eating, the two chefs can never forget their facial expressions in their life it was so sad. (they paid for their sins).

Moral of the story : Never challenge masters (Guruninda papamanu)

Another Bit of Knowledge from COO

Our Staff Correspondent from Cochin Reported another bit of knowledge from COO on a serious meeting.

ALL DATABASE ADMINISTRATORS ARE SYSTEM ADMINISTRATORS and VICE VERSA BECAUSE DATABASE IS LOCATED IN A NETWORK.

Wait for more updation

The Most Controversial Disclosure

Herez the Hot new disclosure by a top official of an IT major in Cochin to his subordinate.

The official is well known for his lengthy lecture ,cracking bad jokes and foolishness. on a such occasion he revealed the most dreaded secret of his personal life. He doesn't know who is the father of his children, only his wife knows. Any way we admire him for his courage to disclose such a secret to his subordinate. Office members are shocked hearing this news...

Sit tight for the new disclosure.

The Yell

This is another update on a recent issue in NJ from NJ special correspondent.

NJ beauties went to one of their co- workers place, because they have to attend a gathering and a drama show.

NJ beauties reached their friend’s place, one beauty got in and the second beauty also, but the difference is after the second beauty got in and with in no time an yell froze every one in the house and she disappeared in to the basement of the house , every body got frightened and searching for the beauty, they just could hear the yell, finally they realized the yell is coming from the basement. ( everybody smells a chance to the sabotage in the incident, there is a chance the other beauty pushed her down to the basement ). Everybody united and took the beauty out who just flew 10 -12 steps down . She felt very vulnerable and somebody asked to give her some juice, then the most surprising thing happened the beauty told, hi I don’t need juice I need pickle ?????????. Pickle ???, they gave her pickle and she emptied half the bottle. ( we think something happened when her head hit the floor).

Still she comes to office with walking problem (Chadi Chadi….).

But we don’t know one thing yet, Why did she ask for PICKLE ???????????

Mammucka to Storm Kollywood

Herez the bracking news from our staff correspondent in kerala.

PAVANGALADDEY MAMMOOTTY IS GOING TO ACT IN TAMIL FILMS AS HE LOST INTEREST IN MILLENNIUM FILMS.

BEST WISHES MAMMOOKA MUBARAK.

HE WAS AWARDED NATIONAL AWARD IN A DOCUMENTARY FILM "ISO VARUNNEY ODIKKO" DIRECTED BY MUSCAT RAJA. IT WON RARE REVIEW CRITICALLY BUT A COMMERCIAL SUPERFLOP AND PRODUCER IS NOW BEGGING IN FRONT OF KACHERIPADY JUNCTION

“The Recruitment”

The news reported from Kochin, the happening city of Kerala. One of the IT major set a peculiar criteria for recruiting the future employees. Apart from the usual criteria for the Software Engineers they have to meet one more they should be “Fair” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who set such a criteria ??. We started digging for the answer and for the motive, out investigative reporters reveled the fact, the Head of the company decided to recruit the Fair fellows. You will get confused, what they actually going to do with such an odd action , software development or some fashion parade ???.

The head always says he don’t like girls working in the company and recruiting fair guys ??.

Our correspondent is a nice guy so he didn’t think any thing more regarding that. If the question made you think about anything else, we are sorry, it is not our problem, you are spoiled……

We feel sorry for the guys who conduct interview for the technical team, apart from the technical questions for the first screening they will have to ask

How do your parents look, are they fair ??

What about you ?, do you look fair ?...

Our correspondent keep close to the company guys to source out more on the issue… We will get back to you once we get an update on the matter..Sit tight ? Stay Back.

Water Problem

Herez the hot update from CNN Live.

Three guys from kacherippay is facing a serious issue at NJ.

Morning they left happily from the Apartment to the office and they stunned to realize that there is no water in the apartment. They have called all their bosses who arranged the apartment. They all said don’t be panic we will do something.

Administrator asked: What did you guys do?. Did you break something there? (Assuming this nasty guys are born to break everything)

Chairman came took two guys out to the office and brought two 18 litter can of distilled water.

Guys enjoyed “EVERYTHING” in the mineral water. (I heard, Tamil superstars (sarathkumar etc.) are using mineral water to take bath any way the guys also thought in the same level). Morning went to office and the admin arranged a hotel for them.

That is the current situation right here…..

We will be keep updating you on the issue.. so stay back with us

CNN Live – Kacherippady Beauties alias NJ Beauties trapped out side the house.

Hi this is Special Correspondent for MITC from NJ. Two young ladies kept wait out side the house till the locksmith came and break the door. The ladies were unaware about the locks working they closed the door ( Because of their extra security cautiousness they put the lock from inside with the keys and kept the keys on the door). They couldn’t open the door because the lock is automatically applied and keys were inside. The panic ladies called the land lord and they called the Lock Smith and he came after two hours and broke the lock, till that time they kept outside in minus seven degrees.

Tragedies are happening in chain for the NJ beauties, this is the second tragedy reported after the Banana tragedy.

BREAKING NEWS: JUST IN FROM CNN IBN LIVE

AN EMPLOYEE IN AN OFFSHORE DEVELOPMENT CENTRE, KERALA WORKING IN HR DEPARTMENT AND LIVING IN MATTANCHERY WAS CAUGHT REDHANDED WHILE APPLYING ODOMOS CREAM DURING OFFICE HOURS.

THE REASON BEHIND IS STATED TO BE..

1. IT MAKES THE SKIN GLOW AND FAIR
2. IT PREVENTS MOSQ'S BITES
3. IT SMELLS GOOD.

A MULTILAYERED APPROACH AND WE CALL IT A THREE TIER ARCHITECTURE

My be becouse of the implications with the multiple inheritance

Indian bananas are banned in USA ????????????????

Latest News Update from New Jersey

Beware, Indian Bananas are banned in us. Two young ladies caught at the JFK airport this week for carrying about two kilos of fresh bananas.

Actually the Bann turned to be a tragedy for the two . One of the lady tired of the food from the international flight from India to JFK., so both the ladies dreamed about having the sweet bananas for the next two days so that they can feel the mother India. But the sweet dream turned to a sour reality, and finally the bananas went straight to the waste basket.

But the optimistic ladies tried till the last minute before they go out of the airport, if the airport authority is clearing the waste in the mean time , they decided to have a trial on recovering the BANANNAS. The waiting went in vain

Water the most precious thing on earth

Hi guys beware if you are planning to come to America. You are going to suffer. No juice kadas here, if you want to drink water 500ml bottle going to cost $ 1.10 Amazed ?. but a two litter coco cola cost only $ .90 . Vellam polum kudickan kittiyela mone.

And lunch , Shucks man, here we get sandwiches with week bread and some raw vegetables (aadinum pashuvinum Koduckunnathupole ) with that, jeevickande athukondu ithum thinnunnu.

As our friends said from offshore we like to go to bergerking but the office is in a pattickadu, not accessable, Aahh athockeyoru sundara swapnam.

Tomorrow we are going to our new Appartment ????????????????????. wait for new stories

American Stories

Hi Guys, herez the "Akkidi" at the US

Last day we went out for lunch, we were so hungry and there is not much resturents nearby, even if near we can't walk out becouse of the temparature (-7)out side. so we decided to have the food from the same hotel we are staying , they are serving only american food, and we are not at all familier with any of them. any way we decided to try our luck.

Waiter came (it was a lady)

gave us the menu.

we ordered Shrimp cocktail and tuna sanwiches

And here comes the first item Shrimp cocktail, My Gooood, we thought the shrimps will jump out the the plate, it looked as they are fresh from the water, with ife, looks like non cooked and it tastes all most the same.

What to do we orderd it and we have to ate it somehow and we did it. God knows how we kept ourself from vomiting. from that day we will ask the waiter about the food and how it will look like.

Trying hard to aviod the problem once more.

Redefine Oracle Database

Herez the Shocking facts about Oracle Database revealed by or BOSS.

Foreword : There is no questions in THALLU

Our BOSS was a developer in accompany at Muscat in Oracle. He wrote a Stored Procedure in infinite loop and hanged the oracle database running on an HP RS6000 Unix version which is catering billing from 104 Countries (Eeswaraaaaaaa….). There is no security for such a critical database ?????????. Eethu policekaranum enthum kanickamo ????.

One day he was playing around with oracle database. (So from this statement we will have to assume there is no DBA, other wise who will allow a junior to play around in such a critical database) He deleted a table which contains 1 million records. Full the Administration team got panic and running to fix the problem. Then the DBA of the organization called our BOSS to find a solution. He took the receiver of the six phones on DBA’s table and placed it on the table to block all the incoming calls. He fixed the problem and restored the database with in 10 minutes and replaced all the receiver back and DBA answered the phone and the show is over. What a genius , a junior programmer fixed the issue with a DBA with years of experience cant fix. That’s our BOSS, incomparable talent.

Please contact out BOSS if you have any doubt about the Oracle database. wait……, don’t forget to ask him to spell Oracle ( God knows he knows that !!!!!!). if he did it correctly you can start questions, don’t faint after hearing the answers…. Beware guys !!!!!!!

Anthappan Stories 1

We got a team member with an alias name Anthappan. The person pretends to be a COOL GUY and says a lot Cool man Cool. But if he talks Malayalam, it will be 100 % mattanchery slang (Horrible man, we can’t make it is malalayalam or not). Actually I am trying give you guys some light on his GENERAL KNOWLEDGE.

Story Background : There is a bakery at “Kacherippady jn.” On the way Anthappan goes to office

One day( the day, on the best bakery case verdict is supposed to come) we went out for lunch. We were talking about the best bakery case

Suddently

Anthappan : Oh ho Best Bakery, wht happened ?

Rest : Burnt off

Anthappan : Oh NO, I saw it today morning also when I came to the office !!!!!!!!!!!

The restaurant fills with heavy laugh.

Metamorphosis of a team lead

One of our team leads got married recently. Here is the benchmarking of that person before and after marriage. Lets check his daily schedule.



Before=======================================After

Comes to office at 10 AM============Comes to office 9:30 AM

Wander around the office for one hour=====its on the seat absent minded

Teases others============================Others teases him

Start His work do well==================Open a document and stare to the
monitor absent minded

Go for Lunch at 1 PM===================Go for lunch at 12 PM

Comes back at 1:30====================Comes back at 2:30 PM sleepy

Start Work===========================Wander around and sit absent minded

Leave the office by 9 PM=============Start walking to and fro from 5:30 PM

Leaves the office at sharp 6 PM




A drastic change in the attitude is observed : Now a days don’t like to come to office

Kaivittu Poyee Moneeeeeeeee… Life Kattappoka allengil konjatta

Pavam team members, enthocke kandala ouru jeevitham kazhinjupopunne ?? Alle ?.

The UPS Tragedy

This is the story of a “Bolt from the Blue” to our Boss

Story Background: - This happened on a meeting with Network Administrator. Boss was teaching them how to monitor and manage a network. The class went on for more then an hour. And then the incident took place

BOSS : Keto Koottukara, when I was in my previous company, a UPS exploded and the concrete roof blown off !!!!!

NAdmin : Ya Ya I head bout it,

BOSS : (Stunned, BOSS knows very well that he was THALLING” , but astonished to hear a greater THALLU from his subordinate. It was beyond his wildest dreams). How do you know ????????

NAdmin : I think I read it from the news paper , It came in the news paper right ?

BOSS : Yes, Shall we stop the meeting, I have another appointment ? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Network guys sighs in relief, they got their life back.

(This was the actual story, it is mentioned in a comment from one of our "KOOTTUKARAN")

The Timely Act of Escape

Herez another miraculous act by our BOSS. Let me tell this “THALLU” in his version itself. Background – BOSS was studying in Bangalore (God Knows what he was studying at Bangalore – Till this story he was telling he took his MCA from Selam- But TALLIL no questions Listen like an obedient subordinate). One day I was traveling from Hosur to Bangalore (Note that the full highway is having a median) on a high speed then suddenly I saw a car is coming in the opposite in a very high speed ( we don’t know how it can happen because the road is two line one way), there was no way to stop the bike with out collide it with the car because the bike was at such a high speed, so suddenly I checked the other way on the opposite side, there was no vehicle coming and I made my bike to jump the median and placed my bike safely on the other side.

Do you find it hard to swallow?

No problem come and joins our firm we will teach you how to hear these kind of stupid THALLU with out any reaction.

Technique to Overtake a vehicle

Herez the world known technique from our BOSS to over take a Heavy Vehicle like truck when you ride a bike. He was successfully implemented this many times. When you are going behind a truck, How do you Over take ??. It is a question right ?.. Here is the answer from my BOSS to solve this Himalayan Task of overtaking in BOSS’s way. First you tilt the vehicle and look beneath the truck and find out if there is any vehicle is coming in the opposite direction we are traveling, if there is none then over take the truck in full speed. Our fate what else to say, we are heard this many times as describing himself as a master rider and his techniques

The Story of SOMETHING LIKE THAT

The quote SOMETHING LIKE THAT, I think nobody will forget, who ever worked in my company, because it is the favorite quote of our BOSS and they have heard hell a lot of time. There are lot of memorable incidents he used his quote SOMETHING LIKE THAT. Here are two such incidents.

Our corporate office is in US and we are in our India offshore delivery center, while working on a project here we faced a major problem and we called the Project Manager there (In US). You know there are 12 Hour time difference between India and US, so we are making this call at stark mid night as per US timings, and BOSS was making the call, the call connected to the Project Manger’s Home number and the Fist Question from after Hello from our BOSS was “ Hi ….. ARE YOU SLEEPING OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT ?..”. Very nice question to ask to a person in the middle of the night. Isn’t it ?. PM was a gentleman, so we are lucky we didn’t hear any abusing words from him. “The call was on Speaker Phone”

Another Historical event that only a dumb ass can tell. We got a new senior project member joined from Bangalore after a weeks time he was going back to Bangalore for his personal matters, our boss said “ (Persons Name) NEXT TIME WHEN YOU ARE COMING WHY CAN’T YOU BRING YOUR WIFE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT”

He too was a nice fellow, this time also he is safe.

Another Skill of the BIG BOSS

This story told to me on my appraisal meeting to express his achievements. When he was in Ireland (God knows he saw Ireland on a globe ,map or somthing like that, I doubt it), his office was on the fifth floor he used to ride his bike through steps to the office every day. It caused grabbing attention from lot of people, but he never mind all those people (Ha ha ha I doubt he was working with some circus company before… , but if he was with circus company he must have been a BAFOON, no other way). Nice subject to be told on an appraisal meeting is isn’t it ?????????